On the move … again

Some people find that good friends are hard to come by. Results from a recent study published in the American Sociological Review suggests that Americans have only two close friends with whom they feel they can confide, down from three, according to a similar study done by the same group in 1985. It’s no secret that it often takes time to build a strong relationship between people. This makes it especially difficult for long-time Sparta residents to build close friendships with Sparta’s more transient corporate transferees. Sparta is known by many as a transient town. People often find Sparta to be a unique, charming, and rural town, with good school ratings, and within driving distance of New York City. Many of the nation’s large pharmaceutical companies, consumer products companies, and insurance companies are well known for transplanting their employees, strategically moving skilled and experienced personnel to where they are most needed. Sometimes that place is Sparta - at least for a while. It’s understandable, from the company’s point of view, but what about the families involved? What about the permanent residents of Sparta, both young and old, whose hearts have been broken by the loss of a true, transient friend? Lowering Your Guard Recently, I lost a dear friend to a corporate transfer. She moved to Sparta two-and-a-half years ago, because her husband’s company transferred them here. I knew the potential was there that she would likely move again. With this in mind, I figured we’d become mere acquaintances. Having lived in Sparta almost nine years (a true veteran in the eyes of some!), I’d heard about other people losing friends time and time again, but this was my first personal experience losing a true and dear ‘corporate’ friend of my own. We first met at the bus stop, one fall crisp morning, and there was an instant “click.” I knew if I opened my heart, she would mold right in there comfortably, securely. However, as I saw the friendship beginning to grow - saw our children becoming friends, our husbands becoming friends, us having afternoon tea together, shopping together, relying on each other, confiding in each other - I took a step back, forcing myself to recall prior conversations about her future plans to live in other areas. I began to toy with the idea of holding back, trying to protect my vulnerable heart, as well as that of my young daughter. Eventually, and sadly enough, I did just that, until it was so noticeable that my husband commented, “Isn’t it better to have had a good friendship and spend time with someone you genuinely enjoy, than to not have had those experiences at all?” Spoken like a true man. After all, how could he possibly foresee how I would feel that fateful day, when she would no longer physically be there for me to rely on, to talk to about day-to-day issues? Generally, I have found, men don’t really get this kind of thing. But I eventually did take his advice. I got over my reservations and continued a terrific friendship right up until the day she moved halfway around the world. I am certain we will remain in contact through e-mail and telephone, and there’s even a ray of hope that someday she might be transferred back to the United States. Saying Goodbye After my loss, this issue became a topic of conversation amongst my friends, and I found other Sparta residents to be more solid in their convictions than I appeared to be. With very good reason (I know, I learned from experience), they appear to be more guarded and protective about whom they allow into their lives, and how much of themselves and their families they’re willing to share. “When I first meet a new person, I ask them ‘so, where have you lived?’ If their response is any more than five locations, I stay away for my sake and the sake of my children,” said a Sparta resident whose anonymity allowed her to speak more frankly. She went on to explain her position, “It’s a red flag in my head that they’re a transient family and will not be here a long time. However, if they’ve moved here from some place local, or this is only their first move, then it’s an indication to me that they’re here to stay. I always protect myself. The people I feel are very grounded here and won’t leave for a long time are those I allow in to my more personal friendships.” Even with her awareness of Sparta’s transient nature, and despite her caution, she admitted that both she and her daughter were hurt by the loss of a very close friend, as a result of the family’s job transfer last summer. “As much as I tried to protect myself and my family, life just happens. It was the first time in the eight years I’ve lived here that someone’s move got to me like that. I cried and cried. It was very difficult for my daughter and me, losing that daily contact. We are still in close contact with our friends and are planning a trip to visit them this summer. But it’s never going to be the same, obviously.” There are other Sparta residents who once wore the shoes of transient families themselves, moving every few years, and are understanding of the choices people make. Mary Rutledge, a Sparta resident for five years and mother of three, has a much different approach to befriending transient families. “Before moving to Sparta, our family moved four times within eight years,” said Rutledge. “We no longer have plans to continue moving, but still, you never know. As far as making friends, I think I understand what the corporate families are going through better than most. However, I’m probably slower than average at making ‘good’ friends, partly because of my personality and partly that I’m of the idea, ‘if I’m going to do this, I want it to matter.’” Rutledge found her transient years to be very exciting, learning about different areas of the country, but now that her children are growing older, she confesses to no longer need as much excitement in her life. “It (moving) was easier when they were babies, but as they grew older, it was getting more and more difficult on them. I imagine moving teenagers around would be especially difficult,” said Rutledge. Rutledge was truly empathetic to my recent loss. She understood it. She also offered an interesting perspective that I hadn’t considered. She believes the moves may be harder on those left behind, than those moving from place to place. “The mover has an easier time handling the loss, than those who stay behind,” she said. They are more prepared for what’s to come and are focused on what’s ahead. They’re off to some exciting place, whereas the ‘planted’ friend is left in the same place that seems empty, with a constant reminder of their loss.” Thinking of Friends After my experience, I reconsidered the idea that maybe I should become more reserved, more protective of whom I allowed myself to open up to. The answer was not so simple. Maybe, maybe not. Although I am saddened by her departure, I still consider her one of my closest friends, and I am not only grateful to my husband for encouraging me to take advantage of the time she was here, but grateful to have had her in my life for that brief stint. She added so much value, beauty and comfort during the time we shared, how could I possibly feel otherwise? My thoughts often drift to how my dear, transient friend really copes with the transfers. I hope she shares in Rutledge’s perspective and it isn’t too difficult on her. Because she is a deeply rooted person, I am aware the moves are not easy on her, and that, too, adds to my weight. However, as a wanderlust myself, I am excited for them to live in and experience another country’s culture, and to be able to meet new friends. It is a new beginning for them, a thrilling adventure of a truly exciting journey.